Things are calmer here. Daily I pray for peace in this house. It has been a month, but I am still hopeful. Things got ugly not too long ago and I don’t know why I am still here. He didn’t hit, but he yelled and just went bananas around the house. I left the house and someone had called the police. Thank God.

Since then he has been calmer. Since then I am getting stronger and since then I have started becoming more distant from him. He notices. Now he cooks, cleans, etc. He has his moody times and I ignore him. I am no fool though. I know that a blow up is just simmering under the surface.

I am preparing.

I also must admit I am awful at being consistent in my writings. Alas…

Recently, my husband came to me and admitted in soft, quiet tones that he was angry and abusive. He knows this and was seeking to “change his ways”. Of course I am still apprehensive about this epiphany on his part. Is this a true need to change? Or is this another ploy? 

I can’t help but think that this is a reaction to my stating that it was time for us to leave. I no longer wanted to be a part of this relationship and that this was no place for a child. Yup, I have a child with this man. He adores his son. Is nothing but sugar sweet to him, but he yells at me in front of him. I can’t help but think about when my baby put his little hands on my face one day and asked me, what’s wrong mommy? That was it. I couldn’t take it. So I told him I was leaving. Now this. How long will it last? 

He will find something to say that will be somewhat insulting to me in its own subtle way. He isn’t always forthright with his insults. Most of the time its just subtle and it makes me stop in my tracks and say to myself, did he just say….? There are times however when I muster up the courage to say to him that it was offensive. But he always finds a way to make it sound as if I am imagining things. Now that I know how to identify the abuse, I also am stronger in my own feelings and my own thoughts. Which he at one time had successfully been able to control. But his control is slipping. I wonder if he realizes it?

Verbal abuse is a kind of battering which doesn’t leave evidence like physical abuse does. However, it can be just as painful, and recovery can take much longer. The victim of abuse lives in a gradually more confusing realm. In public she is with one man, in private he becomes another. Often, for the verbally abused woman (man), there is no witness to her reality and no one to understand her experiences. Friends and family continue to see her ex, the abuser, as a really good guy and, certainly, he agrees with them. The verbal abuser, while maintaining his charm with others, always takes his abuse behind closed doors. It is a means of holding power over his wife/partnerMany women and some men leave a marriage and come back into the singles’ world with the diminished self-esteem that comes from a verbally abusive relationship. The fact that many of these women (men) have never even realized that they were being abused, makes it easy for them to enter another abusive relationship. A verbal abuser is an insecure person and immature person who is looking for power and control over another.In order to help you recognize abuse, remember that all forms of verbal abuse are methods of manipulating you for the purpose of establishing power over you. The following are some of the forms of verbal abuse the author helps you recognize.

1. Withholding: a purposeful, silent treatment.
2. Countering: a countering of your ideas, feelings, and perceptions, even going so far as to refute what he misconstrues you to have said.
3. Discounting–a putdown of you or something you hold dear.
4. Blocking and diverting–this is a sneaky, covert way of violating your dignity.
5. Accusation and blame: generally involves lies about the partner’s intentions, attitudes, and motives. The author states that accusation and blame is present in all verbally abusive relationships.
6. Judging and criticizing: lies about your personal qualities and performance.
7. Trivializing and undermining: abusive behavior which makes light of your work, your efforts, your interests, or your concerns. The abuser attempts to dilute meaning and value in your life. Undermining might occur when your partner laughs at you, for example, when you burn yourself cooking. It is also jokes at your expense. Undermining is occurring when you feel a “so-called joke” is mean rather than funny.
8. Name calling: no one has a right to call you degrading names. Name calling is verbal abuse.
9. Ordering: Telling you to do something, rather than asking, or making decisions for you or for the two of you without your input.
10. Forgetting and denial: the trickiest form of denial is forgetting. Become aware that forgetting is a form of denial that shifts all responsibility from the abuser to some “weakness of mind.”
11. Abusive anger: this seems to be closely linked to the need to “blow up,” to dominate, to control, to go one up, and to put down. Any time you are snapped at or yelled at, you are being abused.
12. Threatening: Physical threats and sexual threats aside, verbal threats are an effort at manipulation. For example, a threat to leave, stay out all night, or take you home immediately is a manipulation for power. The threat of “pending disaster” is designed to shatter the partner’s serenity as well as her boundaries.

If you counter the abuser or attempt to explain yourself, you will probably be met with such statements as, “I don’t want to hear it, get out of my face” or “Woman you don’t have the brains“, “B” You shouldn’t have said that to me“.

f you are in a brand-new relationship and see warning signs of verbal abuse, the author suggests you might be wise to let the relationship go. It is not likely that a man (woman) who needs to dominate and control will change easily, if at all. It is also likely that when the newness of the relationship wears off, he will become more abusive. Verbal abuse can become physical in time and physical abuse is always preceded by verbal abuse, according to Evans.If you are in a long-term relationship, you can respond to the abuser as the book suggests and soon discover for yourself whether or not your mate is willing to change and stop his abusive behavior.

“If you have been verbally abused in your relationship, you may have discovered that explaining and trying to understand have not improved your relationship. Therefore, I recommend that you respond in a new way–a way that will make an emotional, psychological, and intellectual impact upon your mate.”

The abuser in your relationship may change when he finds that you do know when you are being abused, that you have set limits, that you mean what you say, and that you will not take behavior you don’t like. 

If the man in your relationship remains abusive, it is not only not your fault, it is not even your responsibility

WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE PARTNER

• Moves too fast too soon. The relationship moves quickly and intensely. They may buy you lots of gifts. They seem very emotionally attached; may say “I love you” early on.
• Has a quick temper. They have angry outbursts and you’re afraid when they’re angry. You try to make everything perfect so they don’t get angry.
• Gets extremely jealous or possessive. They get angry when you talk to other people or even look at someone else. They tell you who you can hang out with. They need to know where you are and who you are with at all times.
• Uses put downs and criticism. They try to make you feel small and pick on you for every little thing. They blame you when things go wrong.
• Abuses drugs/alcohol. If a person ahs a substance abuse problem, it does not mean they will be abusive. However, if they already show other warning signs, alcohol/drug use culd make them more dangerous.
• Blames other people. They never take responsibility for their own mistakes or shortcomings. They make excuses or huting you by saying it was your fault or someone else’s fault for making them angry. They ar extremely good at apologizing and justifying their behavior.
• Is self-centered. They make decisions for both of ou without asking your opinion. They think of everything in terms of themselves, how it makes them feel, what their needs are, what they want.
• Tries to isolate you. They criticize your friends and family. They make you feel bad for spending time with other people. They make you feel like they are the only one who really cares for you and loves you.

This is not the only instance as I have mentioned before. There are others. I once had a book called, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond” by Patricia Evans. It has mysteriously disappeared…. 

But I fear my husband. I fear his temper and his moods. I don’t know what to expect and there are times when I actually do believe that it is all my fault or that the reason for the shove in the face was because of something I said or did. Sometimes he convinces me that the series of events actually did go his way.

But like I said before, I consider myself to be intelligent. I have a Bachelors. I graduated with a 3.92GPA and while I was going to school I was raising a toddler…so why am in this situation? How did I get here?